“One day, ill totally get found out”

I speak with a ton of creative lads and lasses from all over the world, and from all walks of life loving all kinds of music. The one thing that does unite us all im sure you’d agree, is the desire to say something in the language of music and tone, colours etc, and to convey.

The side of music which is divisive perhaps, can be the thorny area of how earnest the journey. What do i mean by that exactly? Well their are certainly layers to us all. We are all great big onions with many layers and we all have our base line of what we expect from a fellow creative spark. We are predisposed to judge or label before we do much else.

When we think of musician just as a noun, we are conjuring images immediately of someone playing a Violin, Piano, classical guitar, singing rather Operatically, enthusiastic and sometimes unlistenable folk instruments…..Thats how the mind works in the generalised sense.

When someone says composer, again you are conjuring up immediate images and forms.For me that one word makes me think of a frantic conductor, or a guy who just sits their grey haired and on the verge of a messy divorce, pen and pad, piano and lofty dreams.
So i guess i certainly feel a bit of a fraud so far so good!! And ive had some brilliantly funny exchanges with good friends who compose who will commonly use this saying in a chat,

“One day ill totally get found out”

I actually love that saying a lot, i honestly do.Perception is everything it really is. What you think you are to the outside world, the music, is often nothing like what it actually is.

The sheer amount of people who will often regard themselves with a low view, willingly sitting in the shadows of their colleagues and peers, idols even.The perception is often personally attained or you apply your own scars and cat tail lashes as required, thinking you aren’t as good as the next guy or the music isn’t very good and ….”one day ill totally get found out”…brilliant.

You have to wonder how and why we go through life thinking that way dont you?
What would make so many truly brilliant composers believe they are terrible and just a walking talking half baked entity on the verge of being exposed.
Is it the amount of education we have, or think we need? Is it the tormented and twisted path of disappointment a musician is supposed to go through which earns us our stripes?
How many times have you read the bios or soaked up someones hype and thought, “oh crap, ive literally switched on a computer and laid down some ideas”?

Everyone has their own story. Life as brutal and wild as it is, is unique for you, and the musical journey is just as relevant. The way you relate to picking up that instrument or connecting to a sound you heard, the way you patched a modular synth and leapt into the air realising no one will ever recreate that again.

Self belief is really the anchor for all we strive to do and i know i can say hand on heart, with my own journey, i have more often than not descended into  a spiral of doubt and bashed away my confidence. But i do know that i can and will succeed in everything i put my mind to. I always feel that in the deepest part of me, but the half dozen other layers which lie on top, always conspire to get in the way. They are the motivation absorbers.

Like shock absorbers on your car, soaking up the bumps and lumps in the road, their are parts of you, that react instantly to protect you and defend your castle. To the point of not letting in anything positive on occasion. Its a heightened defence mechanism that is in all of us, but perhaps we could argue, its more prevalent in a outwardly creative soul.
I most certainly think that is the case.

Nothing else for me, can explain why all manner of composers, from chancers like me, to guy and girls smashing very successful tv and film score, all feel brutally exposed and that one day we will most definitely get found out!

The music credentials police will eventually storm your bedroom, studio, facility and demand to see your papers. Your music degrees and your accolades, check you have assistants and at least 12 computers, can read the Rite of Spring through 1980’s 3D specs, and that you can proficiently quote at least 25 classical composers steeped in liquor.

The reality is, no one really has to explain how they got to where they are.You wont need a degree and you wont need to perform tests or produce shiny awards to validate who you are.The only way you get “found out”, is when you stop. When you listen to much to the critics, mostly yourself. When you are looking for a way out, you will find it if you dont dig a touch deeper.

Using technology, has been a dirtiest of words long before many composers were born. Many years before. As far back as i can recall, noses were upturned, you receive all kinds comments based on how much easier you had made the process. That you havent strived and some key short cuts have been taken. Even today, or maybe that should be, especially today, the critique can be as harsh as ever.
We have usable samples that can sound like anything you can dream of, opposed to the 8 bit crunchy cornflake word of 2 second grabs that you’ll lift from someone else and paste into a record. You can drop in phrases and loops, you can mix and master to such a level, that at some point in the process, someone out there will be wagging a finger of judgement because you failed to tick a crucial box.
Something you do will not please one person. Bare minimum, one person.

Ive heard so many versions of what is acceptable when doing all the work yourself. From those who will give you boundaries for how much work you need to be doing all the way to those who score for a movie, hire in orchestrators, arrangers, copyists, and a raft of project staff, who all have a lot of influence over the music to the point where it has certainly evolved and in some cases drastically changed from the original pen and paper grey haired guy stooping over the piano keys.
So this guy has worked hard but the end result has now morphed, albeit brilliantly so, into a lovely perfect piece of art. All because you have to embrace the collaboration of such a big project and process.
One could then ask, does hard work cancel itself out simply because you had so much help getting there? Are you more legit to do it yourself, or do we need to prove their has been an arduous journey to achieve the same things?

No of course not.

Its all self inflicted. 99.999% its just your good self who has so much doubt and questions about the legit side of what you say. From loading up synths patches, to creating custom sound banks and atmospheres, field recordings,experimental torture of a junk shop cello.
Its all good. On all levels. Ipad music apps, remixing tools, eBay circuit bent tech, your nans two tier home organ. Humming into your iphone, singing in the shower, picking up chop sticks and improvising a Steve Gadd drum solo before the number 47 arrives at the table.
One day, you will get totally found out, but for all the right reasons. Because you allowed yourself to be you.

 

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